What a Pain

I have perhaps slept 9 hours in the past three days and needless to say, I am exhausted. This last few months of pregnancy has been less than kind to my little body.

Yes, ladies, I have the I want this baby out of me pregnancy blues.

I cannot sit for more than 30 minutes without needing to get up and either walk around, or pee or both. My legs ache every night. And now I have developed a burning pain just below my right breast that has not let up since Saturday evening.I love this precious life growing inside me, but I am kind ready to evict her. I need this pain gone and just one night of sleep.

Yes, this little one has become a pain and she is not even born yet!

But, then I look around our home and see all the tiny things we have for her and J reads  books to her and I smile and think, this must all be worth it.

Enough

Pardon this normal post for an interruption of a rant/vent.

Enough. I have had enough. Enough heartburn, back aches, legs cramps and stress. I have had it with work, working out, being a wife and commuting. I am tired. I am stressed. I am overwhelmed to the max.

So enough. Enough worrying, crying, sighing, deep breaths and anxiety.

I am taking a break from being me.

Ok, so not for real. But I do need a break. I need to give myself one. Yup. I am only one person, I can only accomplish so many things in one day. I can only take on so many tasks, so many responsibilities and perform to my best when running on one cylinder.

I am not a super hero, omnipresent, go-go gadget anything. I am one person who can only handle so many things in one day, one week, one month and one lifetime.

Pregnancy brain is real. Pregnancy fatigue is legit. Pregnancy is not easy.

Rant/vent done.

When Things Go Weird in the Night

If you have not heard, with pregnancy comes some strange dreams. I mean, stranger than strange, wake up thinking I have gone mad dreams. Am, I right moms?

So, as of late here are a few of the topics/scenes from my dreams...

• taking a walk with my dogs, while they both walk like humans
• the one where I married my husband's brother
• where I put my baby in the trash can by accident
• the one where I turned into a mermaid, a la Ariel and then gave birth to a fish
• giving birth at work, in the work bathroom no less
• dreams where my baby comes out as anything but a human baby, i.e. I gave birth to a puppy two nights ago
• I have dreamed my husband has done even stranger things like driving me to the gym to deliver, taking me to the car repair man to deliver and so on and so forth

Some of the them wake me up, some of them keep me up, but all of them to some point freak the crap out of me. Hormones are some powerfully strange things ladies. What are some of your most visit pregnancy dreams?

Changes

First, I want to thank everyone for the kind words after yesterday's post. No one said anything negative about, but rather a blog turned IRL friend. She has received some rather negative feedback as of late and I just want her to know that not everyone is mean, rude and just plain lacking in the manners department.

But today, I am talking about change. To say I have had some major changes in my life would be an understatement. I have tons of major changes in my life in the past couple months. From marriage, job, pregnancy, whew those just make me tired. But I have also seen a change in my demeanor as well. Yes, I am still controlling and high-strung, but I have also realized that I have become more realistic.

I see that I cannot do everything. Literally, the growing bump has brought about a realization that I am not queen of the world, nor do I want to be. I am limited in what I can eat, do, and just physically and emotionally handle right now.

Some of the changes I have struggled with more than others. The inability to workout like I used to have perhaps been one of the biggest struggles. I still want to run and lift and my body just cannot do it. I sigh as I see the lack of definition in my arms and legs after working so hard to tone and lean out. I get frustrated when just a walk on the treadmill lasts less than 5 minutes do to the round ligament pains. I want so badly to just break a sweat at the gym.

I also had a breakdown in Banana the other day because all I wanted to do was buy some cute new clothes and I just watched longingly as my husband picked out jeans and I just stared at the pretty things. I feel limited by what I can wear and I am not excited to get up and go to work because I just have no desire to wear the clothes that "fit."

Besides my body changes, my mood. I go from crying to laughing in a matter of seconds and man its exhausting. As is just making it through some of the day. I want to just curl up to nap so that my body can rest, but there is no rest for the weary and a million things on my "to-do" list. I am told to slow down, but more is put on my plate as I prepare for the epic life change that is coming in just under 3 months.

I also see change my in relationship with my husband. I feel more needy for his love and admiration now. I am in constant need of reassurance that he loves me and sees me as beautiful. I also struggle to see that he truly loves the growing child within me and is excited for this next step in our lives.

Change is good and this change is wonderful, but it does not come without its own set of worries and struggles.

Angry Pregnant Woman

I hate to admit it, but I am one angry pregnant woman. I am tried. My body aches, my hips hurt, I have this bruise-like pain below my right breast, and did I mention I'm tired?

I get this is a miracle, the whole carrying  person in your womb for nine months, but  I'm a tad over it. And I know I should be happy that I avoided the whole morning sickness thing. But, seriously, this is the pits. I have vivid dreams that keep me up, I cannot get comfortable no matter how many pillows or combo thereof, and I could bite the head off of anyone at any given moment.

Add in the nagging sore throat and just plain ole  sluggishness from carrying around some extra pounds and I am just one plain old angry pregnant woman. All I want is a massage, to sleep on my back and a hottub.

I apologize to my sweet husband for the thing that had possessed my body and turned me into an emotional, mean mess these days. Bless his heart.

Bright side? Only 15 weeks to go!

Cravings

So I have managed to go pretty much 23 weeks without any major, must have it now cravings. And then it hit. I was driving home from work last night and I just had to have chicken strips with gravy and Texas toast. There was no other option. So, I did what any other pregnant Texas woman would do an high-tailed it to Whataburger (after googling the menus for Sonic and Cane's).

Oh, what a glorious dinner it was too. Breaded strips with a slightly peppery spice to them, dipped in creamy gravy. And the Texas toast! So buttery and good. And then you top it off with fries. Dipped in said creamy gravy goodness.

Oh Whataburger. I also realized as I sat in the drive-thru line that I had not been in said drive-thru since circa 2004, as a 20-something undergrad. And it was just as good as it was then. Every last bite satisfied that need for chicken-eny goodness and gravy.

So, now I can sit back and enjoy another episode of Homeland with the Hubs. One more day tip Christmas Eve... Enjoy folks!

Backwards

So I never planned to get pregnant before I was married or get married while pregnant. I was trying to do things in the "correct" order. But then there was that fateful day when my doctor told me I was pregnant. I cried.

Yes you all I cried my eyes out. Not because I was scared, though I was, but because this was something I had wanted for so long. If you have been around these parts for a while or followed my blog before the change you know I was married before. And M and I tried to get pregnant. We did not avail. My body was against me. I was on chlomid and it just didn't work. I simply would not ovulate. Looking back now, I can see a small miracle at work. Shortly after round 5 of chlomid M and I were over. Do I blame the stress of trying, no. We were just not meant to be.

But, there I was 30 and convinced I would never have the one thing I wanted the most: a family.

Fast forward a year and half and there I was in my same doctor's office and he was telling me, after three tests, I was getting the greatest gift.

Sure there were pangs of oh no and what will people say. And the obligatory "knocked up" "shotgun wedding" smirks. But you know what? This is my life and this baby was made with the utmost love. Sure we fast-forwarded our timeline a tad, but the thing is, we are more in love and more in tune with each other now then ever.

So who is to say that doing things backwards is well, backwards. We are loved, in love and love this baby. And that folks is all I need.