Lost In The Moment

No Friday Favs here today. No, instead I need to be honest and real.

Have you ever been standing somewhere, driving, etc.. and a song comes on. You know that song that stops you in your tracks, takes you back somewhere, to another time and place, one that you get lost it? I had that moment this morning. Right there in the line to order my breakfast taco a song hit the radio and I was lost. I sang the lyrics softly to myself and never heard the man ask me if I wants sausage or bacon. It wasn't until the lady next to me asked If I was ok that I realized a single tear streamed down my face.

It was as if instantly in that moment of the song I was transported to 3 years ago. I was married to M, just turned 30 and realized my life was slowly falling apart.  This moment was a mix of anger and hate, love and joy and total sadness.

I was outwardly happy and people were envious of the life I had built up in their minds. Inside, I was angry, bitter and sad.

Honestly, I have had these moments more lately. I admit I have often wondered what it would have been like if M and I had gotten pregnant and had a baby. What if we had been able to work through all the issues? What if, what if, what if...  I have found myself mad at him for getting engaged and doing all the things I wanted him to do for me. Boy do I hate that giant green envy monster.

Do not get me wrong, I love my husband, love my baby and love my life. I am infinitely happier. But, M was my first. My first real true love, my first husband and my first real heartbreak.  He will reside in  a place in my heart forever.  I know the memories will fade as time goes on and my heart and head and filled with new memories, but today, right there in the breakfast line I was lost in our moments.