Checking In

I know I missed Monday, but I was pooped and someone was up at 4am.... hint hint it was not me. Evie has been sleeping through the night, but lately she has been breaking out of her swaddle and it wakes her up and then there is no turning back. I know she will need to be weened soon, but for now, we will swaddled until she rolls her because its only way to get homegirl to sleep.

And today is the last day we will own only 2 homes. Tomorrow we close on our house and will be the owner of three homes (here's hoping the townhouse sells soon). So we spent all weekend packing and packing and celebrating because Sunday was J's birthday!

Today, Evie has her first PT session for her torticollis, shout-out to Jess for telling me I was not a crazy mom to think it was odd my baby was not turning her head to the left and giving me some much needed call you pedi advice. Love having mom friends who take care of me.

I am trying to soak up this last week at home with my sweet baby E, but with the impending move, it will be less than peaceful, but then again I finally get to do a full nursery for her and I am super stoked.

Here is some of my inspiration

Happy Tuesday all.

Confessional Friday

So glad to be linking up with Leslie today for a much needed Confesh sesh. So, let's get started

I confess....

• I have told Evie if she wasn't so cute I would throw her out with the bath water...
• I have no idea where that phrase came from, but I like it
• I have excited to get back to work soon, if just for the quiet and no baby attached to my hip 24/7
• I wish hubs would get a little more on the packing train.. I mean we move in less than a week
• I am uber excited to have a backyard for my puppies again
• I weigh less than I did before pregnancy because I forget to eat and walk up and down three flights and stairs holding my 13 pound baby all day
• Seafood still does not taste as good as it did pre-preggo
• Hubs turns 37 Sunday and I ordered him a cake instead of baking one myself...
• I am obsessed with baby shorts. So.darn.cute.
• I went to DWS two weeks ago and bought three pairs of shoes and they are still in my car in the bag because I know I do not need them.
• I did the same thing at Gap.... (in my defense, I had a babysitter that day and it just felt good to be out of the house and able to retail therapy myself into feeling better).
• I may have used one or 2 not so nice words to my child, but said them in a very sweet voice at 3am when she was not wanting to go back to sleep.
• I miss blogging everyday. My goal to to get back into the swing when I go back to work.

Have a great weekend ya'll!

Almost Time

I cannot believe that in less than 2 weeks I will be back at work and sweet Evie will be going to "school." I have mixed feelings about both of these things. While it will be nice to get back into the routine of my life, it will be a huge difference in our lives.

No more hoping she sleeps til 6am, as we will be out the door by then. No more late afternoon walks or snuggles. I admit I will miss playing with her during the day and watching the puppies love on her. However, it will be nice to be back at work and use my brain for more than calculating the next meal or nap time, to have adult interaction and have a reason to put on clothes and make up each day.

I also know it will be good for Evie to interact with other babies and make friends. It will also make  me value my time with her more.

The past 11 weeks have been such a growing time for me. I have had to throw my selfish thoughts aside as my baby has become the most important thing. Her timetable, wants and needs trump mine and its been by the grace of God I have been able to make it through.

And as if this year hasn't been hectic enough, we move next week. I guess when I decide to do something I go all in.

Books Advice and Grasping for Straws

I have become that blogger who I did not want to become. You know the one who has a baby and now has nothing else to blog about.... Mostly because, well, I am home all day with her for 2 1/2 more weeks and I have not much else to talk about. And, I do not blog much because I am sleep deprived and willing to do anything. So, what does the educated woman in me do? Seek advice.

Yes, I have read more parenting, sleeping, coping books that I ever wanted to. I have sought more advice, help, and babysitters than probably needed. But hey, it can't hurt. I have gobbled up Happiest Baby on the Block and am now into On Becoming Babywise. I ask my pedi a zillion questions and have probably annoyed the daylights out of my brother's best friend aka the pedi nurse who answers all my crazy questions.

Oh, I also have tried or own almost ever swaddle imaginable, rocking baby device, and carrier/wrap. But when your 10 week hold just wants to be held, and by held, I mean standing up doing the jiggle/sway dance.... nothing else will do.

So... I am eliciting more advice for getting my sweet baby to sleep more than 4 hours at night. And going back to sleep after feeding. Because people, MAMA NEEDS SLEEP!

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Seek and Obey

I will be the first to admit that I am not good at being obedient. I am what you would call independent. I like to do to things my own way and in my own time. Ya know, put my own spin on things. So, when asked to obey its hard. But that is what we are called to do so often.

We are to obey our husbands, obey societal norms, and obey what God is calling us to do. We ask our animals to obey, our children to obey, so why should be not obey as well. This is such a struggle for me.

As I have entered this new chapter of my life, i,e. motherhood, I am now asked to obey all kinds of other "rules." I am not at the  mercy of my baby's whims, schedule and needs. I have to give up what  my selfish needs and wants for those of my child. I have to give up control. No one ever told me motherhood was sanctification on steroids.

I have always felt called to be a mother, but I am finding it so much harder than I ever imagined. It has caused me to rethink what is truly important to me, like sleep, cute outfits, pedicures, and a stressful career. I feel called to obey the calling of motherhood over so much that I used to place value.

What do you feel called to do?

Evie Ray is 2 Months

Evelyn Ray you are 2 months old (yesterday).

You are 12 pounds 8 ounces of chunk and we love every little roll. You are also 23 inches long, which means you have grown 3 inches in 2 months! The doctor said you are doing just fine though!

You had three shots yesterday  and just let our a big whimper.

You like to laugh and giggle and play with your moose and bee. You are still sleeping in the rock n' play, but that will not last long as you are growing out of it, along with everything else. You are still in 0-3 months clothes, but some are starting to become snug... sad day.

You are eating 5-6 ounces per feeding. As for the sleep.... yeah you just have not figured that out yet.

Evie, you are the apple of your daddy's eye and look just like him (seriously people...). This is also mommy's last month home with you. Let's enjoy every moment.

Getting There

I know I have been rather MIA from here in a while, and I know you all are thinking its ok, you just had a baby 7 1/2 week ago. I wish I could say that it was just the baby keeping me from this place that I have gone so often to express myself. The truth: I have had a hard time finding myself as of late.

I know they tell you having a baby changes things, but I was not prepared for the amount of change. Not only has my sleeping schedule changed, but my whole world. I find myself not being able to think straight for days due to the lack of sleep and constant worry that something is wrong with the baby crying screaming in my arms. But it was not until the other night at 3am after no sleep for days when I find myself crying over my crying baby that it hit me: I have no clue how to be the new me.

I have been struggling so much with how to do it all and have it altogether. How do I manage baby, how do I survive all day at home with no interaction, and how do I still feel like myself. About two weeks ago I told J I wanted to go back to work, that I just could not do this anymore. I was starved for adult interaction and brain stimulating activity. I had this grand scheme that if I could just go to work 2 days a week I would be a better person for everyone.

Amazing, God had other plans. Despite all my hoping, its just not going to work for me to return to work early part time and I cannot return full time until July when we have full time child care for Evie. As I spoke to my amazing boss on the phone, who tried so hard to make it work, I cried. Yes, I will return to work full time in July, but right now God is clearly telling me that I need to be here. I need to learn to cope and not be in total control of everything. Let me tell you: IT IS SO HARD!

As I cried again in the rocker last night I also realized my want to return to work was more out of fear than anything else. I fear that I will lose my mind here all day. I fear I will never feel the total enamored love that I am supposed to feel for my child. See, work is something I know. Its a routine, and is a part of my normal. Being a mother is the antithesis of work. Its hard, but running from it won't do me any good.

I have had a few people ask me if I am suffering from more than the normal baby blues, and perhaps I am, but I have realized its ok. Motherhood, especially in the beginning is not easy. All the facebook posts from new moms with their perfectly outfitted kids (bow included) are wonderful, but its not always like that.  My child rarely sports a bow, often stays in her pj's all day long, and yes there are times I have to just walk away and feel like I will never have that "bond" people talk about and overly hashtag these days.

For me, motherhood thus far has been one constant roller coaster of emotion, fear and doubt. But through all this, I see Him working to change my heart and strip me down and rebuild me anew. As for now, I am getting there.