Well, you are reading this on Wednesday, but I am sitting here typing this a 9am on Tuesday. This Tuesday that still seems like Monday because I have not really slept. Sure Evie has slept and is currently napping away in her swing, but me, I am exhausted. It's not even the I need 8 straight hours of sleep exhausted, its I am tired of life exhausted.
I have what seems to be a never-ending headache from the constant hum of the Dohm (aka sound machine that keeps my baby quiet), the rock n' play, the clicking of the swing, the crying of a baby, the TV, or the incessant workers outside my window. I cry at the drop of a dime, the whimper of a puppy, a sale email in my inbox and any story on TV which involves remote sappiness. I have not worn make up for almost a month, let alone actually fixed my hair. I would like to go one day without a wad of fabric between my legs and the ability to cough without cringing. I want to just get in the car and not worry about a diaper bag, bottles, formula or whether my child will have a melt down in Target. I would like to go somewhere else besides Target.
I would like my husband to come home and see me how he saw me before. When we talked about more than babies, money, or how we will afford a new home.I want to stop being upset with him when he holds the baby for less than 10 minutes. I want him to come home with some flowers or anything to make me feel special. I need him to snap out of his funk and "adjustment" period because hey, its an adjustment for me too, but I don't have time to be off. I am on all day everyday. I have to cater to her every whim, I just need you to cater to one of my whims.
I would like to have more to talk about than baby. I would like to post about a cool weekend, or cute new clothes, or a vacation, heck I would love to post about anything other than baby right now.
Motherhood is a struggle. It's not all sunshine and roses and happy cute baby pics people post. You will yell--at yourself, at your spouse, your friends who come to help, and you will yell at your sweet innocent newborn. You will hate the way you look, the way you feel and just about anything you can hate. There will be times when you want to just walk away and go back to "before." And then these feelings will make you feel worse about yourself because heck, the world tells you that you are supposed to have this wonderful bond with your new bundle of joy and you will want to "eat her up." You will feel guilty that you just want to get in the car and drive anywhere but here.
So, I leave you with these thoughts today and ask you to tell your mom you love her. Thank her for being her, not for being your mom, but for being her. Tell her how much you love things that are just about her. And, J, P.S. I love you more than words, even more than shoes.
I love you more than shoes, too! <3
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty!
ReplyDeleteI would very much ADORE holding any baby for hours so its momma can get time (ie a shower/bath, nap) to herself or even maybe go for a mani/pedi!
*Obviously, talk to your doctor if you think your 'baby blues' is more than just the 'baby blues'.
Oh, sweet Lynn. First of all, thank you for so bravely sharing your thoughts and feelings. Motherhood isn't easy - at ALL - and yet, many women try to represent it as being such all the time. Which isn't helpful. I understand each and every one of the thoughts and feelings you've described. Becoming a mother for the first time is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. Heck, it feels somewhat that way the second time too. But I will PROMISE you - it gets better and better. As they become less needy, you get more of your life back. As you know, life will always be a bit different now - the days of easy errand running without a stocked diaper bag are few and far between now. But it won't always feel so isolating. Especially once you start working again. You'll have a routine by then, and things will fall into place. Take heart. You are doing great, mama.
ReplyDeletePS: I am SO over wearing pads/pantiliners. This stage of postpartum recovery can go ahead and end any day now. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI think we can all appreciate your honesty. And we all want nothing but for this period to go easier for you both. I can only imagine all of the things going on lately--and all of the HUGE life changes. On top of that, add in exhaustion and everything is harder. Lean on the people you can for help. Don't be afraid to ask! Wish we lived closer so I could come and help out!!! Love you lots!
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you for being so real! I appreciate your honest thoughts and sincerity so much more than words can say! And here's to squeezing in a nap today! :)
ReplyDeleteHardest thing in this journey of life - being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and a worker ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Take heart in knowing there are so many of us that felt the same way at the stage you are at and it takes months to get past that, but you will get past it. Your husband will get past it and things will start to click. You are in a very tough, wild, crazy, joyful emotional time right now, but you are doing your best! Happy early Mother's Day!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your realness and transparency. Things will improve soon. Definitely praying for you :)
ReplyDelete{{HUGS}} it is most definitely a transition period for both of you, but luckily it's one that you won't even remember years down the road. I hope you guys find a common ground asap, but know you aren't alone and I'm told this is completely normal. You are doing AMAZING and maybe buy yourself some flowers. I know we always want our partner to just know what we need, but they can't read our minds or know the right thing to do even though we wish they did. I expected more for Mother's Day and got a little emotional about it, but Will tried to do everything he thought I'd like and I was the one that had expectations above what I normally like and I hadn't communicated that. When I got over my pity party, it ended up being the most perfect day ever. I'm not saying you are having a pity party by any means, I'm just saying that we get so caught up in our own heads that we don't communicate correctly and make things harder on ourselves. Hope everything levels out sooner than later!
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