And then it happened

Hello all. I know this is a little late in the morning, but I am here. I wish I had exciting things to report about my Memorial Day weekend, but alas it rained... again. We did get some lunch at the country club yesterday with Miss V and Uncle D, but it was way too cold for little miss to try out her swimsuit. We made it home just in time for the storms.

However, we did have some wins for the weekend:

1. Evie napped in her crib twice this weekend! Slow transition to follow.

2. She slept 8 hours last night. New moms know this is a win. She woke twice for small feeding and then went right back down. Funny that Daddy didn't notice, while mom was wide awake anticipating the cry for 2am milk... Oh well, at least two people had a full night's rest.

3. We bought a house! Bigger, better, cute neighborhood and just enough yard for the pups.

Promise more to come on the house.

Finding You

Perhaps my biggest post-partum struggle has been the quest to find the new me. I mean, not that I am some totally different person, per se, but I  mean to find my new identity with the title of "mommy" added in the mix. I know that most new mothers go through this same struggle and so I find it important to share that its not easy.

For most first time mothers, we have been used to working. Yup, a 9-5, er in my case a 730-630 grind, where your identity is one of wife and lawyer for me. My routine was set around workouts, beating traffic and what my caseload looked like. I found joy in completing a project, finding a good case to cure some ailment in our defense, or writing a good motion or brief. I discussed fashion and such with my co-workers and gossiped about the latest episode of whatever TV show was hot at the time. My brain was useful and used everyday. I felt accomplished at the end of the day.

Now, most of my day is spent in pj's, where my greatest worry is did Evie have a BM today and what time did she last, eat, sleep, or have a diaper change. I call mascara putting on make-up and an outfit consists of jean shorts and whatever t-shirt I can find. My hair has only been "done" three times in the last 5 1/2 weeks.

I  have seen every re-run of SITC and Law & Order: SVU, as well as any HGTV show. When J comes home, I have nothing but baby to talk about. I worry about how I will fit back into work when I return.

Sure, I see the emails everyday, but it seems life has gone on at the office without me and they are doing just fine. I worry they won't need me, or my brain will  be so out of practice that I will suck it up. Meanwhile, I am jonesing for something that seems substantive to work on, I want to challenge my brain, be busy, do something. I want to have a routine that involves more than diapers and spit up. I crave a good suit and well-placed eyeshadow.

But how do the two work together? Will I miss my baby while I am at work? Will I fail at work because I am too worried about my baby? Will she suffer if I am at the office late like I am used to? Will I be able to make my hours at work when I want to be home with my child? I am no longer just lawyer and wife with no true time to be home or things to do. I am now wife, mother, lawyer and honestly its scares the bajesus out of me.

I know tons of women who work, and I know tons that are working lawyer moms. But man its hard. I feel guilty that sometimes I want to just drop the baby off and head into work, a place where I know what to do, and can predict my days. Where no one cries to be fed, changed, or rocked. Where I feel appreciated and needed. Do not get me wrong, I love my child, but man its a hard adjustment.

I envy J, yes his life has changed, but not like mine. He has been back to work for weeks, he does not get up in the middle of the night, he does not know her every whim and need, he often looks to me to tell him what to do and when he first sign of too much fussiness occurs, its mom to the rescue. I know he is trying and he is doing such a good job, but its so different for him. Yes he has added Dad to his title, but Dad is just not Mom.

Ok, I have rambled on enough, So, moral here, for those moms who have gone back to work, kudos to you! For those of you who stay at home, kudos to you. Either way, adding in the role of mom is hard work, often under-appreciated and I have a new respect for both. But, mom is mom, and its hard work and I'm only 5 1/2 weeks in! Hug a mom today.

Randomness and Hi, I'm alive

You would think since I am home on maternity leave my blogging would be epic and on a roll... wrong on so many levels.

1. By the time I have time to blog I am either a) so tired I have no desire to type or b) just want to spend a little quiet time with the hubs.

2. My in-laws were here this past week. Yes, people who want to hold my child, love my child and give me a break... wrong on so  many levels. It was an epic fail of a visit. Talk about awkwardness, some hormonal induced yelling and major cold shoulder. #worstdaughterinlawever #poorhubby #justwantthemtolikeme

3. We are in the process of looking for a new house, preparing our townhouse to be sold and getting my house ready for new tenants. Let's just say when I'm not tending to Evie, I am either packing, house hunting, or doing some kind of DIY project at one of our houses.

4. I miss work. There I said it. I miss having somewhere and something to do everyday that requires me to shower, put on clothes and do my makeup. Oh, and adult conversation.

5. I am back at my pre-preggo weight and have been for couple weeks and wearing all pre-preggo clothes... but no way in heck will I be wearing anything that will bare my mid-drift any time... well ever. #flasbbyabs

6. I have no desire to shop. I mean I have no where to go right now and my baby could care less what I wear, so why shop? Nope, I am content to live in cutoff shorts and t-shirts.

7. My child manages to poop in public whenever she can, in places with less than ideal changing stations... i.e. dinner on Saturday night with my girlfriends in a restaurant that is in an old house.

8. Broke down and bought a Mamaroo... Yup, our swing we had made a horrible noise and just did not do it. So I took the Mamaroo plunge and let me tell you... worth it. Baby girl loves that thing awake, asleep... she digs it.

9. Mad Men series finale... SPOILER ALERT... also an epic fail... I mean what the fuddy duddy..... Don just sits there and meditates? Thanks writers. Thanks.

10. I promise someday to get back in the regular routine of blogging. Don't leave me readers!

Blessed

It hit me right there as I was sitting in my car today, waiting to go into the grocery store. I was sitting there in the pouring rain, bags under my eyes, tears streaming down my face, and I was throwing myself a pity party--for one.

And then my cell phone dinged and I saw a text message. It was from one of my dear friends who is also a mother to a newborn, who happens to be just one day younger than my Evie. It was a Mama vent. And that text message was just what I needed. In that moment, the tears stopped and my party ended and I laughed. In that moment I felt normal. She was having the same thoughts, worried, woes and problems as me. She put the words I had in my head and said them back to me. In that moment, she made me realize how blessed I am. Blessed to have this wonderful friend who is honest, open and not afraid to be there for me because she knows I am there for her. And it made me think of the other wonderful friends I have and how much they have been there for me and J this past month. They have answered texts and calls, come over in the rain to rock my baby while I slept, made meals to nourish my body, and prayed over my family every day.

It made my frustration over my MIL melt away and made me so thankful I have a MIL who wants to be there for me and rock my fuzzy, gassy baby so I could grocery shop and go the gym. I was thankful in that moment for my own mom who allows me to call her in tears at all end hours of the night, and for V who loves my sweet E like she were her own flesh and blood.

So, I sent some messages back and forth with my wonderful friend and then wiped my tears, took a deep breath and prayed. I prayed for her and her family, for my sweet baby, for my husband, and then I thanked God for allowing me see through the storm (literally) and see the light.

Moral of this story, be kind to your girlfriends. Support them no matter what. Be vulnerable with them and allow yourself to be fulfilled with grace. So, thank you Jessica. Thank you for sharing in the Mama moments with me and for being a true friend. Thank you for the love, support, advice and the sharing of prayers for each other.

Wanderlust Wednesday

Little late to the party, but as its been one rather soggy May here in Texas, I am jonesing for some beach, sun and well anywhere but here in need of a vacation.

Since J and I did not get a honeymoon or a babymoon, I am linking up to let you see where I would want to travel.

Yup, that's it. Its the one beach place I really want to go.

One Month

Yesterday was more than my first Mother's Day, it was Evie's 1 month birthday! Yes, she is already one month old. Where did that month go?

This month has been rough on Mommy and Daddy. We are both still adjusting to having another person in our home. You are totally formula fed and will take between 3 and 4 ounces every 3 hours. Sometimes, when you are really hungry, you can down 5 ounces pretty quickly. Other than that, you like to take your time when eating and "meals" last between 30 to 50 minutes. While this is ok during the day, Mommy almost falls asleep during our nightly feedings.

Speaking of nights, you are sleeping 3-4 hours at night, but never more than 4 before you are awake and ready to eat. Its the getting you back to sleep that is the hard part. You just don't want to miss a thing, so after a feeding its another hour or so before you are finally back asleep. I admit, this is a bit of a struggle for Mommy as she is ready to be back asleep pronto.

You are sleeping either in your swing or rock 'n play right now because baby girl, you need to be moving 24/7. You love to be swaddled up and rocking, swinging, bopping, etc.... You are not one to like to lie flat. You still love to be swaddled and if one of your tiny hands creeps out you let us know.

You look so much like Daddy right now. Your dark hair is still full and seems to be holding steady. I do see  glints of gold in it sometimes so perhaps you will be blonde like Mommy yet. You are probably about 8 pounds now, but we won't know for sure until your 2 month appointment in June. You are still in newborn diapers, but that may change soon. You are also in  between clothing sizes. Your newborn pjs no longer fit, but most of the 0-3 months still swim on you. And bloomers, well let's say none of those fit, so we have not worn any of your cute dresses yet. You have the longest fingers and toes, but the squishiest cheeks. You are starting to fill out a bit, and Daddy says you have sushi arms (aka getting your rolls).

Evelyn Ray, we are trying so hard to be good parents, but its hard. Each day brings some new struggle. Mommy and Daddy love you to death, so just hang in there with us as we adjust and learn.

5 on Friday

P.S. I love you

Well, you are reading this on Wednesday, but I am sitting here typing this a 9am on Tuesday. This Tuesday that still seems like Monday because I have not really slept. Sure Evie has slept and is currently napping away in her swing, but me, I am exhausted. It's not even the I need 8 straight hours of sleep exhausted, its I am tired of life exhausted.

I have what seems to be a never-ending headache from the constant hum of the Dohm (aka sound machine that keeps my baby quiet), the rock n' play, the clicking of the swing, the crying of a baby, the TV, or the incessant workers outside my window. I cry at the drop of a dime, the whimper of a puppy, a sale email in my inbox and any story on TV which involves remote sappiness. I have not worn make up for almost a month, let alone actually fixed my hair. I would like to go one day without a wad of fabric between my legs and the ability to cough without cringing. I want to just get in the car and not worry about a diaper bag, bottles, formula or whether my child will have a melt down in Target. I would like to go somewhere else besides Target.

I would like my husband to come home and see me how he saw me before. When we talked about more than babies, money, or how we will afford a new home.I want to stop being upset with him when he holds the baby for less than 10 minutes. I want him to come home with some flowers or anything to make  me feel special. I need him to snap out of his funk and "adjustment" period because hey, its an adjustment for me too, but I don't have time to be off. I am on all day everyday. I have to cater to her every whim, I just need you to cater to one  of my whims. 

I would like to have more to talk about than baby. I would like to post about a cool weekend, or cute new clothes, or a vacation, heck I would love to post about anything other than baby right now.

Motherhood is a struggle. It's not all sunshine and roses and happy cute baby pics people post. You will yell--at yourself, at your spouse, your friends who come to help, and you will yell at your sweet innocent newborn. You will hate the way you look, the way you feel and just about anything you can hate. There will be times when you want to just walk away and go back to "before." And then these feelings will make you feel worse about yourself because heck, the world tells you that you are supposed to have this wonderful bond with your new bundle of joy and you will want to "eat her up." You will feel guilty that you just want to get in the car and drive anywhere but here.

So, I leave you with these thoughts today and ask you to tell your mom you love her. Thank her for being her, not for being your mom, but for being her. Tell her how much you love things that are just about her. And, J, P.S. I love you more than words, even more than shoes.

May Flowers

And like that, its May. I wish I had some exciting news or a wonderful weekend to review for you, but also I do not. No, I spent my weekend doing manual labor on the roof of our townhome. The one big project we have before we put the townhome on the market is to redo the rooftop deck. Who knew 600 square feet of deck could take up 20 hours of your time.

So, as I type this, I have a sleeping baby, a sunburned back, aching feet, legs, arms, etc... and a deck that needs one more coat of resurfacer.

I do not even have any exciting pictures from our adventure in DIY. However, Friday night, J and I did get a little date night. My brother popped by and took Evie for a walk while we had some dinner out. Here are some pictures from Evie's adventures in downtown Fort Worth with her Uncle.

Happily Ever After

First, I want to thank everyone for all your support and love after yesterday's post. I am go grateful that there are moms and women out there who understand that each person needs to make the decision best for her family.

And now, I know its been almost 6 months since my wedding, but my photos finally arrived and so I give you a little snapshot of my happily ever after.