Breast-shaming

Ahoy! I am alive and yes everyone is alive. We are 2 1/2 weeks in and man its been tough to find time to do much of anything, let alone blog. So, I am stealing a couple of minutes to share with you all.

As I said in her birth story, Evie had jaundice and had to be fed donor milk, from a bottle. Now, all the nurses said it would be ok, and she would still take to nursing. Yeah, right. I tried. I promise I tried to feed that sweet girl from the breast. I tried every hour of every day. She did not latch well without a breast shield, so breast shield I tried. It helped, some. Evie still just did not nurse well. She would drink and then fall asleep. I had to literally strip her down and put cold cloths on her to keep her awake to get just a little bit of milk. And then after an hour or so I would finally be in tears and have to give her the supplement so she would be full. And then I would pump. Pump to relieve the pressure and give my baby nourishment.

I tried this routine for a week. I was exhausted, stressed, frustrated and so was Evie. We met with a lactation consultant and low and behold, she did everything perfect. I came home so refreshed and thinking we had finally hit our stride, and then she was hungry. And it started all over again. She would just use my breast as a bona fide pacifier rather than feeding. I was faced with a decision to keep trying to nurse or just go to pumping. I decided to pump. She took a bottle with ease and I was producing plenty of milk, so pumped I did.

I had supportive friends who cheered me on and said it would be fine and they had done the same thing. So the routine began. Feed, diaper, soothe, get her to sleep, pump. Get in perhaps an hour of sleep and it would begin again. Except when she would not sleep and I went too many hours between pumpings or when I was mid pump and she would begin to scream. I was constantly exhausted, frustrated and often found crying over my baby at 2am by my husband.

I felt inadequate and useless and most of all like a failure. I wanted to give my baby the best, but it was just too much. I did not want to be that mom to who resented her child. With the routine I wasn't holding her and cuddling her, i was just a milk machine who found herself hysterical and yelling at her infant.

I then realized nursing doesn;t work for everyone. And guess what, its ok. Yes I got some slack from people. I even was breastshamed when I reached out to the local facebook mom's group to ask about formula. I got advice of, take this to increase your supply and keep pumping, or I'm a lactation consultant contact me, breast is best.... Yes, people I get it, but I know this is the best decision for me. Moms are supposed to support one another, not judge or force beliefs. I just wanted some advice on formulas.

I cried a little. I was mad, upset and frustrated. I just want to provide the best atmosphere and life for my baby. I was raised on formula, my husband was raised on formula, I have friends who never even tried to breastfeed. So, why did I face such opposition, such pushback, why was I being breastshamed?

When did it become a crime to feed your baby formula? Yes I know breast is best, but sometimes, its not best when it causes you to become someone you don;t want to be with your sweet innocent child.

Don't shame other mothers, not for how they feed, diaper, console, or raise their children. Support one another. What works for one person doesn't always work for another one. Yes, I am going to feed my baby formula and its ok.

So, let's nourish our babies with shame. Yes, breastfeeding  may be best, but bottle feeding is feeding too, and as long as that baby is loved and healthy, who cares how they get that nourishment.

Evie's Birth Story Part 2

So, if you  missed part 1 of Evie's birth story, check it out here. So, after arriving at the hospital and getting checked in, we began to realize we were having our sweet baby girl. We began to let family and friends know we were actually doing this, and then we waited.

My contractions were not very strong, so the nurse started pitocin in a higher dosage. I began to progress and when I hit 3.5 cm, we got the epidural. I admit I cried the whole way through it. It was more the fear of the unknown than the actual process, but believe me I was much better after that. Well, until I began to have very strong contractions. Yes, I felt them. This was 3-4 hours after the initial insertion. I googled from my hospital bed, how much do you feel when you have an epidural and finally I called the nurse and expressed my pain. She had the anesthesiologist come back and he told me the epidural had some a little lose, but it would be fine, he just gave me another dose.

So we slowed down the pitocin, put me on another drug to stop contractions, added some more pain meds and then began basically again. 3-4 hours later, the contractions were back and in my back. I had progressed from a 3.5 to an 8 in less than a hour. Evie was sunny side up and her head was pushing into my spine. The pain was worse than anything I ever experienced in my life. I was crying, J was upset and I just wanted it to stop. Finally the charge nurse came in and said I needed another epidural or I would not make it through the pushing.

Ya know pre epidural fail

So, another epidural I got. This one numbed me from the boobs down and finally I had some relief. We upped the pitocin and got the contractions ramped back up. Finally around 5am we began to push. And push I did. It was such a strange feeling to push when you can't feel what you are pushing.

At 7am, the nurse shift changed and I had my original nurse back. My OB came and checked on me, and we decided we needed to get Evie to roll over. This began the marathon of the every changing pushing position. I pushed in every way imaginable to get sweet Evie to roll over. Finally she moved and the real work began.

Sweet girl's head was just not wanting to come out. We could see her sweet head and the color of her hair, but she was just struck. I pushed and pushed. My doctor finally threatened a c-section since she was bigger than I could handle and we were coming up on 20 + hours. And then at 8:24am, and an episiotomy later, Evelyn Ray came into our world. 7lbs 4 oz. 20 inches long.

After that, its kind of a blur. We headed to post partum and haven't slept much since. Sunday morning Evie was taken from me as her billyrubin level was 15, which for 48 hours old, is very severe. She had a bad case of jaundice and needed to have phototherapy. It was scary and J was not there yet, (side note, he spent the night at home each night because at 6'1 he could not fit on the "bed" they have).

Evie was put on mandatory tanning bed duty and force fed every three hours from me and donor milk. I didn't sleep, I was frustrated with trying to feed her and then pump what I could. It was such an emotional roller coaster.

It was such an odd feeling to leave the hospital Sunday to get dinner and leaving her there in the nursery. I stayed another night in the hospital another night so I could feed Evie every three hours.

Finally Monday morning, her levels where down and we got to take our sweet girl home.

And then the real adventure began.

Today's Post is Brought to you by the Letter E.

It's such a strange feeling to sit here and type this at 10pm on a Monday night while watching my sweet newborn swinging away just feet from me. She is a week and a half old and came in like a lion.

As most of you know, I work an hour from home, in Dallas. So, last Wednesday I began working from home so I would be closer to the hospital in the event Evie arrived. I was also so uncomfortable and the commute made my Braxton Hicks worse, so work from home it was. Wednesday went well and the pups sure enjoyed the frequent walks they got as mommy tried to relieve discomfort and get Evelyn to come down.

Thursday  I woke up with the sun and began doing some tasks at work, ya know normal lawyer stuff like drafting discovery, returning client calls, etc... I also talked with one of the associated in our Philly office for a while on drafting jury instructions in Texas. She joked with me about things not to do so jump start labor (she is preggo with her 4th) and I told her I would be sure to send pics. It's funny, I googled signs or labor, and even googled whats is like for your water to brake.

I ate some lunch at noon and then took the pups out for a walk. I had just used the bathroom, so when I walked outside and felt a small trickle, I was embarrassed. I brushed it ff and started on our walk. However, my belly starting feeling heavy. We rounded the corner and were back in front of our steps when bam. The flood gates opened and right there on the steps my water broke.

I quickly got up inside and waddled to the bathroom. I called J and told him the news. He dropped everything and was on his way home. Meanwhile, I panicked. I was home alone and not sure what to do. I finally got upstairs to the master bath and waited for J. Meanwhile, I called my brother just to calm me down. I then let my office know and J arrived. We finished packing our bags, I brushed my teeth, put my hair up and called the dog sitter.

We arrived at the hospital at 1:30 and were immediately admitted. It hit me. There I was, blue gown, hospital bed, heartbeat monitor, contraction monitor and husband. Our sweet nurse Lindsey started a pitocin drip since I was barely dilated. We called our parents and my godparents and settled in ready to have a baby. We thought, April 9th sounds like a good day for a baby.

To be continued...

Another Monday

Hello first Monday of April. Its a tad foggy and drizzly here, and I wish I had some wonderful pics to show from my fabulous Easter, but the truth.... I spent most of Easter and the weekend on the couch trying to sleep.

After a fabulous Easter service with tons of singing and rejoicing in our Savior rise, we came home, I made J and I some eggs and then I crashed. I slept off and on from about 10 am til 5:30pm. I tossed, turned, had that burning in my chest, and am just worn out.

At 6pm we headed to my Aunt K's for a wonderful Easter dinner with the family, too much wine by the non-preggos and some more gifts for Miss Evie.

I watched the first of the last episodes of Mad Men and then tried to sleep. I made it til about 12am until I headed down to the couch so as not to wake up the hubs and try to sleep some more.

This is perhaps my last week in the office at 38 + weeks preggo, so let's make it count!

Be Not Afraid

Today although we mourn the loss of our Savior, we rejoice in knowing He will come again and cleanse us of our sins.

Food for Thought

I was thinking last night about my blogging career. Yes career. I started blogging just before I began my first law job while I was on vacation with my now ex-husband. That seems like so long ago and another lifetime, and for all practical purposes it was.

I was 28, married about 6 months, about to embark upon my legal career and had no idea what the next couple of years would hold for me. I was carefree for the most part. We had just moved into our first home, were hanging out in St. John for 7 days, and I was about to start what I thought was my dream job.

Now, as I sit here and type, I am 32, married for almost 4 months to an amazing man and our baby girl is due any day now (come one Evie). I have since moved from that first home into an apartment, then bought my own home, then moved into J's townhome and now we are looking to buy our first home together as a family of 5 (three people, two pups). I changed jobs in August and who would have thought I would ever drive an hour to work everyday. Heck, who would have imagined I would be 9+ months pregnant with our precious baby girl and the man I call my husband is not M. So much has happened since I began this blogging career of mine.

They always say you change the most in your early 20's, well for me it came in my late 20's. I realized happiness is more than a paycheck, a house, and a husband. I can now see the beauty in each day because it was brought by Christ for me to live out imperfectly. I am no longer afraid of failure and as smart as I thought I was, has been turned upside-down time and time again due to being challenged to be better in all aspects of my life.

I have seen the glory in friendships that are rooted in more than commonality, but held steadfast by the glory of God. I have true love tightly bonded in His image, and I know that no matter what lies ahead, He will be with me and will never leave me alone in the wilderness without a way out.

I used to struggle with what normal was, but now I just live. Life is my new normal, the everyone happenings and comings and goings. See this little blog of mine has been more than an outlet for feelings, it has become a platform for my voice, has brought me true friendship and continues to be a blessing.

Hello April

17 days. This baby is due in 17 days and she cannot get here fast enough. I did spend about 2 hours in labor and delivery on Monday because baby girl had not been moving much. They monitored her heart and my contractions, which were about 5-7 minutes apart, but so mild I barely felt them. So, alas I am still with child.

The burning/pain beneath my right breast has increased and keeps me from sleeping, so I am also just plain exhausted. This last month and half of pregnancy has just been plain awful. And if one more person says I don;t look very pregnant or tells me to get all the sleep I can right now I may scream and attack. I can't sleep because of the pain, I may look small but I am uncomfortable and miserable and just want her out.

In other news, hubs and I started the slow process of getting our townhome ready to put on the market. We worked on refinishing our rooftop deck. We still have a long way to go, but our little deckhand Chloe sure enjoyed the sun.